Today my brain betrayed me once more. Today, my body did what it was not suppose to do once again. While I try and be the person everyone expects me to be, my brain was screaming at me saying NO NO! You are not like this show them the real you.
Sadly, I lacked the courage to do so.. and along I went with what was expected. A smile a comment about my kids, compliments on my hardworking partner, a conversation about how I am to be here for everyone else. Whilst all this was happening, my brain was hurting, my heart was racing and I had to force out smiles. Why? Because even though times have changed, and more and more people accept others even if some still dont, I still feel like I’m living someone else’s life.
Inside of me, lives this suppressed version of myself … this version is fun, accepting does not recognise borders, nationalities, colours or genders. This version only sees human people, with feelings and dreams, it sees pain and wants to stop it, it sees rage and wants to calm it, it sees war and wants peace. It is my true self, a self hard to explain to others.. why? Because this version does not have names, gender, race or classes, this version is just there.
Try and understand, that explaining to someone who you shared half of your life with, that you see yourself as just there .. NO LABELS is almost impossible. It leads to questions, questions I do not have answers for, questions that in my mind do not need answers because if we all accepted who we truly are …. and what we truly want then we would not have doubts.
Today of all days I felt this more than ever, walking around town with family members who recognise people by labels, was hard. I respect everyone and not to cause arguments resigned myself to just nod along. This then left me feeling guilty, why should I conform to societies norms? Why cant I just be ME … why isnt just being ok?
Conformity happens in all shapes and forms, it might be that we conform to what our friends are drinking, or what they are listening because we have different tastes… it starts small and then all of the sudden you realise shit, I’m just going along with everyone else.. just another carbon copy of society. I want to be different, I want to reduce the times I conform and be able to openly say actually I’m not into that type of music.. I want to be my own being …. it is going to be hard since its engraved in all of us to just follow the ‘leader’ but with perseverance I’m sure I can do it.. and i will ask you guys to have a look around you and join me in creating a more honest and truthful self.
Much love
Spirited Patty
Uncertain in Life 